


Forgive me again – Chan

by InoruMarufuji



Series: Nightmare [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bine you have a VIP pass so feel free to enter, Bine's Birthday Celebration: SKZ Nightmare Series, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Disjointed narrative, Gen, Hallucinations, I don't think there's any hope for me, Keep walking, No Spoilers, Puzzle fic, THIS HELL IS MEMBERS ONLY, They aren't specified because spoiler, Unreliable Narrator, lots and lots of it, triggering elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 06:49:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21797119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InoruMarufuji/pseuds/InoruMarufuji
Summary: [M̶a̶z̶e̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶M̶e̶m̶o̶r̶i̶e̶s̶ ̶ |S̳i̳d̳e̳ ̳E̳f̳f̳e̳c̳t̳s̳][2/9] Maybe it hurts more because I thought it'd be easy. - Side Effects
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Series: Nightmare [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1569787
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19





	Forgive me again – Chan

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WhyAreAllUsernamesTaken](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhyAreAllUsernamesTaken/gifts).

> For Day 2 of Bine's birthday celebration, I present to you - Chan!

[<strike>Maze of Memories</strike> | **Side Effects**]

Felix was a forgiving person.

It had been clear to Chan from the very first moment he had met him and he still remembered how his heart had clenched painfully at the realization that he wasn't made for such a cruel world.

He was sunshine, he was light, he was hope, he was peace, he was all the beautiful things in life and whenever Chan looked at him, he could see how vastly different he was from him.

His reflection in Felix's eyes was like a speck of spilled ink on a piece of art, a piece of art that he was tainting with his inpurity, but Felix had forgiven him for that.

He had continued to sparkle like a bright star despite all the dirt that had been thrown his way, all the stones that had been placed on his way in an intent to keep him from going, and Chan had watched in awe how he had become even brighter, even more cheerful and happy and content.

And forgiving.

He couldn't stand it anymore.

If there was one thing he was sick of hearing at this point, it was ''It's not your fault'' and yet, he heard it every day this time around because Felix knew that he was crumbling.

He was crumbling under the weight of his team's worries and sleepless nights, under the nervous gazes they kept exchanging and the newspaper articles that were devoid of any news, under the helplessness that crashed over them like waves and the lack of understanding about the situation.

They didn't know what was happening and if that wasn't already frustrating enough, Felix just got more and more forgiving with each passing day.

''It's not your fault.''

The sentence hung in the air in Chan's room and he almost snapped his pencil that he had used to write some lyrics down.

''Will you shut up?'', he hissed in Felix's direction, hostile enough to make him flinch, but not hostile enough to completely scare him out of the room.

What he was doing here time and time again, Chan didn't know, but he appreciated the company so late at night even if he did constantly remind his younger bandmate that he should go to sleep early.

He never did, but maybe that had more to do with Felix wanting to comfort him than it had with him not being able to sleep.

For some reason, he really liked to annoy him these days, sneaking into Chan's room in the dead of night to watch him produce songs and hum random tunes or to cuddle up against him whenever he was in bed still watching videos on his phone.

It wasn't particularly bad in and of itself, quite the opposite actually, it was nice to have someone close to him, someone with whom he could chat his time away comfortably and who listened to his worries, but the problem with Felix was he acted much like a broken record these days, always repeating this one sentence in the background.

''It's not your fault.''

Chan turned around in his chair, face set in a mix of frustration and anger as he tried to keep himself from snapping.

The words had long since lost their comforting nature, but somehow, the younger didn't understand that and Chan was fed up with it.

''God, Felix, shut up!''

His voice was raised slightly higher than he would have liked and it showed because there was some shuffling coming from the room next to his, followed by hushed voices and quiet murmurs as his members were roused from their sleep.

He inwardly cursed himself, preparing to get a scolding from Minho as soon as he would step into the room, but to his surprise, Jeongin was the one who opened the door a minute later, his hands rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he yawned.

''Hyung?''

His voice was slightly hoarse, but sounded so incredibly cute at the same time that Chan's anger all but melted away as he gestured for the maknae to come closer so he could wrap him in a big hug.

For a minute, this seemed fine, but then Chan suddenly noticed a growing wet spot on his shirt and when his hands came up to detach Jeongin from him, he found that the younger wouldn't let him, instead holding on tightly to Chan as if he was a bridge over troubled waters.

''Where is he, hyung?''

The words tore at his heart and he swallowed uneasily, not able to supply Jeongin with a positive answer. Or really any answer at all.

His hand threaded through Jeongin's hair in a miserable attempt of calming him down, but it did little to ease his mind.

''Where is Hyunjin?''

Chan would have liked to tell him that he knew exactly where he was, would have liked to reassure him that he was fine, would have liked to lie about him being on his way home, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything when the blinking light of his phone gave him the answer itself.

''Go back to sleep, Innie. You're tired. Rest now.''

He put his head on Jeongin's, hugging his trembling body even tighter while a sad smile played on his lips.

He wished he could have given a different answer, but it wasn't possible.

Jeongin's fingers curled into his shirt in desperation.

''Promise me you'll bring him back. Promise me, hyung.''

Chan closed his eyes and exhaled deeply.

''Yeah, okay. I promise.''

The dreaded words sat in his stomach, heavy and hard to digest, so he choked them up despite knowing that they didn't mean anything.

''I'm sorry.''

''It's not your fault.''

He didn't know whose voice that had been or if it had been anyone's at all, but he felt like crying at being forgiven so easily like this when he really didn't deserve it.

He hadn't acted like a proper leader lately, withdrawing from his members in favor of writing those damned lyrics of his when they needed him the most, when they needed his clear guidance and his steady heartbeat.

And he had just ran away like a coward, curled up besides Minho and tried to sleep through the troubles his team was experiencing so he didn't have to face the harsh reality.

But he couldn't sleep.

He couldn't sleep and as a result, that damn call had connected to his phone at the ungodly hour of three in the morning and was now blinking with unseen messages whose content he already knew, but still tried so desperately to tune out.

He knew he shouldn't give Jeongin false hopes, he knew he should just come out with the truth, but a part of him, the selfish part, wanted to preserve his innocence, so he said nothing as he held the maknae in his arms for a while longer, letting him express all his anguish and frustration and the hidden pain he tried to keep from everyone.

It felt like an eternity until he was ready to let go again, but Chan gave him that time without pressuring him because he knew how much the youngest was suffering.

''Hyung?''

Chan looked down at the crying bundle of misery, his mind already coming up with more comforting words in case Jeongin's anxiety had decided to spike again, but to his surprise, Jeongin actually let go of him and gave him an unstable smile.

''You're tired too, aren't you?''

He didn't know what to say.

He rarely felt tired to the extent that he would actually admit it to himself or anyone else, but right now, he was so completely and utterly exhausted, his spiritual ressources already way beyond their capacity, that he felt as if he was about to collapse if he were to stay up another second.

He wasn't tired, but it came close.

So he nodded.

''You should go to sleep early tonight.''

Jeongin didn't even wait for a reply, he merely gave Chan a last smile and shuffled out of the room as if he hadn't just been on the verge of a breakdown.

The door fell shut, for the first time without creaking or making noise, and he was left alone with his thoughts, the blinking phone and the broken record called Felix.

It was the worst mix Chan had ever experienced, but at the same time, maybe this was what he deserved for failing in his duties as leader.

''Want to pick up Hyunjin?''

He knew Felix's gaze was on him, so sad and regretful that the mere imagination of it made his stomach twist, but he never looked at the younger boy as he closed his eyes and nodded, the painful reality once again falling down on him and trying to bury him.

The SMS he had gotten, the one that was the cause for the blinking, was from a police officer.

He'd had hope at first, for a good three seconds he actually believed they had found him, confused and tired, having gotten lost somewhere on his own, but at least _alive_.

These three seconds were the only highlight of his week, standing out like a rainbow on a winter day in the horrible script that he'd been caught in, but the crash back into despair a second later was all the worse this way.

''We found Hwang Hyunjin's body.''

That was all the SMS said and granted, it was all Chan needed to know.

They found Hyunjin. But they found him too late.

He didn't know why he hadn't had a breakdown yet and neither did he know how Felix had found out when Chan himself had only gotten the confirmation half an hour ago, but somehow he knew and it was sending shivers down his spine.

''Chan?''

Felix spoke louder this time, trying to get his attention, but Chan would have heard him even if he hadn't spoken at all.

''Yeah, let's...''

His voice caught in his throat, so he didn't even try to finish his sentence and instead made a vague movement towards the door.

_Let's pick up Hyunjin._

It was raining when he stepped outside, heavy drops aggressively showering the landscape, but he didn't bother to put on a jacket or take an umbrella with him because the sheer heat radiating from Felix was enough to almost burn him to a crisp right then and there.

It made his skin itch umcomfortably as he took off towards the train station that would take him to where Hyunjin had disappeared.

He had been supposed to stay with him and Changbin, but he must have wandered off at some point and Chan hadn't even noticed.

He hadn't even noticed.

_He hadn't even noticed._

He had one job and he managed to mess it up, just like he messed everything up.

It was all his fault.

''It's not your fault.''

''Shut it, what do you know?'', Chan hissed and luckily, Felix finally understood and fell silent, trudging behind with an unreadable expression on his face.

He was a forgiving person, he didn't mind being yelled at or hit, but he didn't do well with his members keeping to themselves, blocking all attempts at communicating, all attempts at comfort he was trying to give them.

It made him feel even more useless than he already was.

Chan took a right turn, away from the train station as if he had suddenly changed his mind, and it confused Felix for a moment, but he obediently followed Chan down the street, feeling like he knew already where they would end up.

''Hyunjin doesn't want us to take him back here, right?''

It was difficult to make out Chan's voice over all the rain, but he wasn't expecting an answer anyway, just talking to himself, trying to distract his mind from the cold rain and the cold truth and the cold in general, so Felix let him ramble to himself.

He looked like a madman, but there weren't any people around either way and even if there were, Chan probably didn't care about his image as an idol right now. Or ever again, for that matter.

''He's blaming me, isn't he? For all of this.''

He gestured wildly, the dreaded gates coming closer and closer, and Felix slowed down, a painful tug on his heart trying to keep him from coming closer.

This place gave him the creeps, always had, always would, but Chan had been making regular trips here recently, so he was pretty much unaffected by now.

Or maybe he just didn't see anything else apart from his own blame.

''He _is_ blaming me.''

His fingers twitched.

''He's not'', Felix tried to reassure him, almost choking on his words that were way too quiet in the rain, way too useless and way too late to mean anything.

Chan stopped in front of the gates, chest heaving as he tried to catch the breath that had escaped him all of a sudden.

''What do...''

His gaze met Felix's and the younger boy was almost blown away by the intensity in his eyes, a mix of seething hatred, irritation and sadness.

''What do your words mean?''

He couldn't give an answer because he didn't have one.

His words were useless, even if he were to speak, because they couldn't reach Chan anymore.

Nothing he did could. So he gave up.

''They don't mean shit.''

Chan hated how much his voice wavered at the simple statement, he hated how his body was about to give up on him, he hated how he shivered and cried soundlessly and how no one was around to console him.

He hated these gates, he hated that he hadn't bothered to bring flowers, he hated that he still made himself go, he hated everything about this situation.

But most of all he hated Felix.

He hated that Felix always came with him, hated his forgiving nature, hated that he still acted like this, hated that he had forgotten himself, hated that he never complained about it.

He never complained, but Chan knew Felix had gradually gotten tired too.

''You can rest now.''

His voice came out raspy, desperate, unsure, with all bite gone from his tone and his bandmate gave him a worried look as he stepped closer, still making sure to stay far enough away from the gates.

''Are you sure?''

Chan nodded vigorously, shaking arms reaching out to pull Felix into a hug.

There was no comfort, no warmth in that hug, no matter how tightly he pressed their bodies together.

All there was was emptiness.

''Rest now, Felix'', he repeated. ''You're tired, aren't you?''

He felt rather than saw Felix nod and the firmness with which he did it caused more tears to spill out of his eyes, blurring his vision, blurring the only sense that was capable of assuring him that he wasn't going crazy.

Maybe this too was his fault.

''It's not your fault, Chan. None of it is.''

He paused. In hesitation? In regret?

''You're probably tired too.''

Oh, tired he was. Felix understood and Chan was so thankful because Felix always understood.

''You should rest.''

''I should.''

He didn't ask for the ticket, even though he should have, even though it was his duty as leader to keep his team together and to prevent them from making stupid mistakes, like the one Felix had been making all this time.

But then again, he wasn't a leader anymore.

He'd given up that responsibility like a coward and where had that gotten him?

Here. Right here.

In front of gates he'd rather never step foot into again, clinging onto old memories and hopes and dreams he'd washed down the drain.

''Hyung's train will arrive soon, I need to go.''

Of course Felix needed to go, but not there.

Not without him. Not again.

''Do you even have a ticket?''

A useless question, only meant to stall for some time until he could come up with something better, but surprisingly enough, Felix nearly crumbled in guilt, holding onto him even tighter as he whispered his answer.

''I... don't. No.''

The word was like a switch for Chan, it made him see red.

''Then why _the fuck _are you even HERE?!''

''I wanted to see you.''

Felix collided with the gates as Chan forcefully shoved him away, breaking their hug, and a loud clatter pierced through the night.

He had the fucking audacity. He really had the fucking audacity.

''You want to see me?'', he hissed, his hands clenching into fists at his side, itching to punch some sense into the younger. ''You _will _see me.''

And with that, he simply turned around and walked the other way, towards the train station, towards where Hyunjin had to be.

He didn't miss the way Felix's eyes suddenly went wide as he understood what was about to happen, nor did he miss his begging for him to be reasonable, but he tuned it out and instead chose to fish for his phone in his pocket.

It was blinking again, probably some new message from that police officer, probably more news that weren't really important right now.

''Chan!''

He opened Vlive.

He hadn't used the app for quite some time now, neglecting his duty to keep in touch with Stay at least once per week, but given his long list of sins, he wasn't really fazed by the fact that he had disappointed his fans. It didn't matter.

The gate was closed when he got there, but it was a quick fix as he heaved himself over it, simultaneously beginning his livestream with a tap on the screen.

He didn't bother with his usual introduction, merely flashed the camera a tired smile and waited for the comments to fill with the questions he knew would come.

The rain was still attacking him mercilessly and now that he could see himself on his screen, he realized how pale he was, the night only serving to make him stand out even more.

He would have thought he was dead if it weren't for the fact that he was shivering like crazy, if it weren't for the sensation of the cement under his feet as he approached the end of the platform he was on.

There was the red line, warning passengers not to move any further, but there was no train, so Chan stepped over the line and jumped the short distance down onto the railways.

The dirt made a crunching sound as he landed and for some reason, it was really satisfying to him.

_You're not asleep yet?_

_Wtf, go to sleep, Chan!_

_Oh wow, where is he?_

_This isn't Chan's room..._

_Where are the others??_

Those were pretty much the questions he'd expected and while he had gone through the effort of preparing answers to give his fans, he suddenly found he couldn't get anything out.

The phone shook in his hand, his image on the screen blurring and his grip weakening.

''I'm sorry.''

For the first time, he didn't receive an answer.

Felix wasn't here anymore.

He couldn't forgive him, no matter how much Chan wanted to be forgiven.

_He's crying?? Omg, don't cry!_

_I can't see anything!_

_Chan, nooo! _

_What's wrong? What's happening?_

The comments came way too fast, his eyes barely able to follow, but he still tried a smile, one that came out incredibly insincere and tortured.

''It's fine.''

A gust of wind blew his hair into his face and he looked down the silent tracks in front of him. Somewhere far away, there were lights dancing at the horizon, peeking through the darkness curiously, but no sound accompanied them.

Trains were usually really quiet, especially approaching ones, and back then he would have been terrified at the prospect of a train just suddenly appearing out of nowhere and running him over.

He wasn't anymore. It didn't matter.

He took a deep breath and tried to keep his phone at least somewhat stable by holding it with both of his hands.

His image on the screen looked horribly sick and he couldn't help but flinch.

He couldn't do this.

''You guys...'' What a weak voice he spoke in. ''You guys have been waiting for an explanation, haven't you?''

The lights danced somewhere over there, but it was way too late to change anything about it.

It had been for a while now.

_Did Felix really commit suicide?_

Chan's breath hitched.

The phone dropped on the tracks with a deafening thud.

His legs were weak and he sank to his knees, desperately willing himself to disappear.

There were two lights somewhere in front of him, almost radiating with warmth and he was all the more aware of how much he missed Felix's presence next to him, his warmth, his smile, his everything.

He was so starved, so deprived of the water he needed to thrive, so deprived of the sun and the warmth he could bathe in.

He was a flower and Felix was his water and his sun.

But too bad he was a dandelion.

A dandelion could withstand just about everything, could even survive not having water or sun, but Chan couldn't do this anymore.

He wanted to get rid of the flower that was himself.

He wanted to get rid of the broken record that was himself.

''I'm sorry, Felix.''

The rain kept drenching him, his heart kept hurting and he kept repeating words that came way too late.

He just wanted to be forgiven.

The lights rushed closer, silent, menacing, final, his body locking up as it prepared for the impact.

''You're tired, Chan.''

A hand closed around his own gently.

''Rest now.''

[2/9] I'm waiting for you at the end of this future.


End file.
